I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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