I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
