My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
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