I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
