I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
