My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
