i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
