Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
