she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
