I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize