i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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