I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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