Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
