my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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