One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
