and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm like, not good at living.
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