I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
