I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
