The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You left your phone here
Wait...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
