you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
