Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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