My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
