I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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