I just made out with a guy for $7.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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