My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
