Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
