she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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