I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
