i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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