when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
