the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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