fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
