it hurts more in the daytime
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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