mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
