she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
