why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
