the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
