Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
