I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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