Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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