i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
