He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize