I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
