I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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