I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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