You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
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she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
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Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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