Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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