Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i dont even know how to be here
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
