I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
