Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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