I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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