she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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