He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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