fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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