After last night, I could never be a politician.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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