i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
