So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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