The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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