you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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