Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
home. puking in laundry basket.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
